News: Totally Bogus Headlines
Ripped off the pages of no known newspaper, here are some stories that are not true, but could be.
- French Vote to Join UAWIn a surprise move, a massive write-in vote by the French has made the nation a local of the United Auto Workers. Asked in a referendum to approve or reject the European Union Constitution, the French instead chose to join an American labor union. The Teamsters have filed an objection with the EU court in Brussels, claiming employer interference with the vote.
- Carter to Supervise Al Qaeda ElectionWith the race to replace Iraqi al Qaeda leader Abu Musab Zarqawi growing close, former U.S. President Jimmy Carter has announced plans to oversee the election of the new leader. “Ah feel an obligation to ensure that the new leader of al Qaeda in Iraq is democratically elected.” said Carter just before leaving for Fallujah by camel.
- Goldilocks Supports Global Warming TheoryFictional character Goldilocks appears in a new book promoting the ‘Global Warming’ theory. Instead of eating porridge at the Three Bears’ house, she is portrayed as being at the North Pole, South Pole and at United Nations headquarters in New York. She repeats her famous words “Too hot”, “Too cold” and “Just right” at the corresponding locations.
- North Koreans Celebrate ‘Eat a Finger Day’The North Korean News Agency announced today that the government has declared Monday ‘Eat a Finger Day’. The holiday is to celebrate the great success that North Korean farmers have had with their harvests in the last decade.
- Frisco Fog: No One NoticesA heavy blanket of fog today enveloped the San Francisco area, reducing visibility to less than a tenth of a mile. Curiously, the local residents behaved as if nothing was wrong. National Weather Service meteorologists believe that it is because being fogged in is a normal condition to the locals.
- Sports Bigs Form Political GroupA group of nearly thirty major names in women’s tennis, golf and soccer announced the creation of a new political action committee, intended to support the President’s agenda. ‘Lesbians For Bush’ president Muffy Diver said “We want America to know that we like Bush and we are not ashamed of it.”
- NHL Lockout Continues: Fans DepartIn a sad ending to a once noble sport, the last four remaining hockey fans in Canada announced today that they were giving up. “Those hosers, eh!” said Warren ‘One Tooth’ McDonald. “We’ve aboot had it. It’s time to watch women’s curling, eh!”
- Riots Over Harry Potter DesecrationPolice sources in England report that rioting has nearly died down, after reports that American troops had been seen putting the latest Harry Potter book into latrines cause widespread outrage. Thousand of pre-teen girls mobilized, using text messaging on their cell phones, and stormed American stores such as Old Navy and Aeropostale across the United Kingdom.
- Idol Shocker: Paula and CarrieIn the latest shock to the American Idol franchise, Paula Abdul announced today that she was leaving the show to become the life partner of this year’s Idol winner, Carrie Underwood. Abdul revealed “Hey, I’m a little bit country.”
- Viagra Sex Offenders Confined TogetherWhile not defending the practice of paying for Viagra for sex offenders in prison, Attica Warden Heywood Jablome pointed out that the risk is minimal. “We keep all those guys in the same cell block.” he said. “It gives new meaning to the term ‘exercise period’.”
Subscribe
Comments