The course will consist of two legs. The first will be from daddy’s bedroom door to the photo cabinet in mommy’s room. The second leg of the race will be the reverse of the first.

Cats participating in races will reverse starting field order for the second leg of the race.

While overtaking is encouraged, passing is not allowed. Cats may join the race in progress but must enter at the rear of the field.

Running into mommy or daddy is not allowed. Running into other cats is also disapproved. Spectator cats are warned to stay well clear of the race course. Furniture may be used as part of the course but only if all cats racing are thin enough to make the jumps required.

Pit stops for personal hygiene and grooming are allowed. Other cats participating in the race will remain in position, idling their engines, until the butt licking has concluded. Race participants are allowed one (1) sniff of the stopped cat to ensure overall hygiene.

In the event of a crash, race participants will scatter until rescue crews determine the situation. The race may be canceled at this point or rescheduled.

Cat races are under the aegis of NACR, the National Association of Cat Racing. Rules are subject to change without notice. All decisions by mommy and daddy are final. Appeals by purring and rubbing will be considered.

The press has inundated Alaska with reporters and will have shortly interviewed every single person belonging to the 20% that do not rate Sarah Palin highly. Many of the reporters have flocked to the state capital of Juneau. Yes, Alaska has a state capital and it is Juneau.

Shocking, well, shocked reports are hitting the press about the inner workings of the Alaskan state government. No one should be shocked, however, since it is obvious that the Alaskan government operates pretty much like every other state government in the nation. Spend some time learning about your state government if you do not believe me.

The problem with state governments is called “Washington Syndrome“. It is highly contagious, infecting 90% or more of those exposed. It can also be genetically inherited.

The symptoms of “Washington Syndrome” are as follows:

• At the time the city was designated the capital, it made geographic or commercial sense. The location has not made sense, however, for a long time.
• The major industry of the capital city is government. The people of the metro area either work for the government or for businesses that support governmental operations like bars, law firms or caterers.
• The government of the city where the capital is located is treated as the red-headed stepchild. It is assumed that the sole purpose of the city government is to support the functions of the capital.
• Many of those who work in the capital maintain personal residences in other places. They have developed mechanisms that compensate them for traveling to and from their legal residences.
• Many of those who work in the capital maintain residences in and around the capital city’s metro area. They have developed mechanisms that compensate them for living away from their legal residences. Many of these same people spend more time in the capital than they do at their legal residences.
• Activities and beliefs that are normal, popular, seen as virtuous and desirable outside the capital are seen as abnormal, repulsive and criminal in the capital.
• Activities and beliefs that are abnormal, criminal, repulsive and unpopular outside the capital are seen as normal, virtuous and desirable in the capital.
• Those who work in the capital are willing to gossip, spread rumor and innuendo, and lie regardless of who they support. The capital functions on the ability to betray or avoid betrayal.
• The capital’s city is often charming in its own right but tourism is focused on the capital itself.
• The capital is the center of the universe and anything that happens outside the capital is viewed solely as to its effects on the capital.

There are many more symptoms than can be listed here. Diagnosis is easy since self-importance and delusions of grandeur are often so pronounced that the ordinary voter can distinguish them. The condition weakens in some cases after exposure to the capital ceases but other cases remain quite active for decades after.

For those of you having trouble understanding the Presidential campaign, here’s a little help. The use of “code words” to conceal your true meaning has complicated things. Here are those “code words” and their real meanings.

• community organizer = black
• Jesus = Barry Obama
• pig = women opposing Barry Obama, Sarah Palin
• sweetie = any woman Barry Obama wltf
• children = Barry Obama’s children
• retard = Sarah Palin’s child
• family = Barry Obama’s successful American wife and children
• black = Barry Obama’s Muslim / white upbringing in Indonesia, Hawaii and Kansas, Yale education, rich white friends
• lies = refusal to use “code words”
• hope and change = Chicago machine rule and Biden’s spending a generation in the Senate

Let’s face it. Campaigning for President has become a narrow road laced with minefields. We’ve made the process all about avoiding any word, deed or notion that could possibly offend anyone.

Why?

A hundred years or so ago, the campaigns abounded with silly songs, limricks and absolute lies. We still managed to elect capable Presidents.

Who really cares if you have a bastard son someplace? Hey, so what if you matriculated publicly. Are you gonna kill Osama bin Laden? That’s what we really want.

Some folks are lazy or criminals or slobs. You used to be able to label people, and the voters understood. Everyone has a lazy SOB in their family or their neighborhood. No one minds you telling him to get off his ass and get a job like everyone else.

You can’t be a plain speaker any more. Silent Cal? Please… Teddy Roosevelt? A former soldier and a hunter? And not afraid to send in the Marines? Even JFK couldn’t get elected these days. “Ask not what your country can do for you?” The papers would rip him to shreds.

Oh, for the good old days.

Ma, ma, where’s my pa? Gone to the White House, ha, ha, ha.

The Congress has spoken. That light bulb you climb on a chair to change every so often? Banned within a few years.

Instead, you’ll be forced to buy compact fluorescent lights, CFL’s, those squiggly blubs.

Here’s what GE says, and remember they WANT you to buy CFL’s.

Because the wattage of a CFL bulb is much lower than that of an incandescent, you can use higher wattage CFL giving you the equivalent light of a higher wattage incandescent. For example: If your fixture says not to exceed 60 watts, you can use a 15 watt CFL to get the same amount of light as an incandescent bulb or use up to a 42 watt CFL and increase the amount of light.

CFLs are safe to use in your home. CFLs contain a very small amount of mercury sealed within the glass tubing – an average of 5 milligrams (roughly equivalent to the tip of a ball-point pen). No mercury is released when the bulbs are in use and they pose no danger to you or your family when used properly.

Follow these guidelines to dispose your CFL properly:

* Like paint, batteries, thermostats, and other hazardous household items, CFLs should be disposed of properly. Do not throw CFLs away in your household garbage if better disposal options exist. To find out what to do first check www.earth911.org (where you can find disposal options by using your zip code) or call 1-877-EARTH911 for local disposal options. Another option is to check directly with your local waste management agency for recycling options and disposal guidelines in your community. Additional information is available at www.lamprecycle.org. Finally, IKEA stores take back used CFLs, and other retailers are currently exploring take back programs.
* If your local waste management agency offers no other disposal options except your household garbage, place the CFL in a plastic bag and seal it before putting it in the trash. If your waste agency incinerates its garbage, you should search a wider geographic area for proper disposal options. Never send a CFL or other mercury containing product to an incinerator.
* ENERGY STAR qualified CFLs have a two-year warranty. If the bulb fails within the warranty period, return it to your retailer.

Because there is such a small amount of mercury in CFLs, your greatest risk if a bulb breaks is getting cut from glass shards. Research indicates that there is no immediate health risk to you or your family should a bulb break and it’s cleaned up properly. You can minimize any risks by following these proper clean-up and disposal guidelines:

* Sweep up—don’t vacuum—all of the glass fragments and fine particles.
* Place broken pieces in a sealed plastic bag and wipe the area with a damp paper towel to pick up any stray shards of glass or fine particles. Put the used towel in the plastic bag as well.
* If weather permits, open windows to allow the room to ventilate.

Mercury is an element (Hg on the periodic table) found naturally in the environment. Mercury emissions in the air can come from both natural and man-made sources. Utility power plants (mainly coal-fired) are the primary man-made source, as mercury that naturally exists in coal is released into the air when coal is burned to make electricity. Coal-fired power generation accounts for roughly 40% of the mercury emissions in the U.S. EPA is implementing policies to reduce airborne mercury emissions. Under regulations issued in 2005, coal-fired power plants will need to reduce their emissions by 70 percent by 2018.

CFLs present an opportunity to prevent mercury emissions from entering the environment because they help to reduce emissions from coal-fired power plants. A coal-fired power plant will emit 13.6 milligrams of mercury to produce electricity required to use an incandescent light bulb, compared to 3.3 milligrams for a CFL.

Even in areas without significant coal-fired power generation as part of the electricity mix (e.g., Alaska and the Pacific Northwest), there are other, equally positive environmental impacts from saving energy through the use of CFLs: reduction of nitrogen oxides (which cause smog), and prevention of substantial quantities of CO2, a greenhouse gas (which is linked to global warming), as well as other air pollutants.

Airborne mercury poses a very low risk of exposure. However, when mercury emissions deposit into lakes and oceans, they can transform into methyl mercury that builds up in fish. Fish consumption is the most common pathway for human exposure to mercury. Pregnant women and young children are most vulnerable to the effects of this type of mercury exposure. The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) estimates that most people are not exposed to harmful levels of mercury through fish consumption. However, the FDA and state agencies do issue public health advisories.

EPA offers additional information and resources on all sources of mercury at www.epa.gov/mercury.

Mercury???? Panic time. Run about, scream and shout!

I’m in favor of radioactive mercury in CFL’s. Come on, Congress, poison us some more! [/sarcasm]