America’s newest television hit is Welcome Back, Kotter. Though portrayed as a comedy, this show about an inner city school and the struggles of its pupils is, in reality, a dark drama.

The show follows the academic struggles of four young men, each both a symbol of America’s decay and a sign that our future is with our best, our children. The four are confined, against their will, in a sterile classroom. Known as “sweathogs” by the students and faculty alike, they are a symbol of the oppression of minorities and the differently challenged.

Vinnie Barbarino is the leader of the group. Clearly suffering from untreated ADHD, he still manages to both guide and nurture his friends. Played by unknown John Travolta, Barbarino is intent on overcoming the barriers placed by the school and become, who knows, a pilot or perhaps a leader in a progressive religious cult.

Freddie ‘Boom Boom’ Washington is black. Unable to collect any of the debts owed by American society to his slave ancestors, he seems mired in a hopeless depression which he tries to hide with comedy. As the school fails to acknowledge the rich African heritage of his people, he seeks to participate in his community through basketball. Little does Washington know that the sport will never be a home for black people as white athletes and coaches will prevent even that small success for blacks.

Juan Epstein is a striking symbol of the Zionist domination of everyday life. Born of a Latina mother forced to bear the child of her Jewish male oppressor, he is torn by self doubt. Fiercely independent, his soul yearns to see his fellow Hispanics empowered in places as diverse as Mexico or Puerto Rico. Still, he carries the secret shame of his half Jewish heritage and worries that he will never be loved by man or woman.

The most diabolical character on the show is one Arnold Horshack. As he reveals in one episode, his last name means “the cattle are dying”. Clearly he is a tool of the military industrial complex, which is killing off our planet, thus “the cattle are dying” comment. While ostensibly the least intelligent of the four, he always seems to know the answers. This suggests he is being supplied with information by the authorities.

Gabe Kotter is the teacher assigned to this class. The fear the administration holds of these children is apparent as no other teacher is assigned a class of just four. Kotter attempts to indoctrinate the “sweathogs”, instructing them repeatedly to keep their place and not to respond. Kotter was once in this special class and the show explores how he was co-opted by the establishment. Silencing the “sweathogs” is his primary duty and one has to wonder what their fate might be if he fails. Death often arrives early and unexpectedly for progressives.

Kotter’s wife, Julie, is the show’s sole homage to the liberation of women. Her bra-less perky breasts and erect nipples are a constant provocation to the male establishment and a sign of her reckless independence despite being subjected to the tyranny of conventional marriage. When you look into Julie Kotter’s eyes, you see a burning bed and future revenge for the rape of male power.

Part of the torture inflicted on these four young men is sexual. Various women are placed in the class as time passes, to disrupt their intellectual development and inflame their animal instincts. Rosalie “Hotsie” Totsie was the first agent provocateur in the class, falsely accusing one of the men of fathering her child. Rather than do the correct thing and terminate the pregnancy, she disappears only to later surface with the baby.

The principal of the school is Mr. Woodman. A man filled with rage at the dying of the light, he takes his anger out on the “sweathogs” and on Kotter equally. A man of limited mental capacity, and likely a Republican, Woodman bullies everyone he deals with and takes joy in the sorrows of others. His use of the pejorative “sweathogs”, despite the wounds to the tender sensibilities of the four young men, reveals a certain inner conflict over his sexuality. These virile young men create a psychologically significant loathing in Woodman that only an open expression of his desires can solve.

Welcome Back, Kotter is destined to be a classic of American television, ranking with All in the Family as drama of the highest quality. The show gets three thumbs up from this reviewer.

Country people, rednecks, are big on going to church. They have a great deal of faith about Heaven and their future in Heaven. They also know some things that learned religious leaders in the great metropolitan areas of this country do not.

10. In Heaven, every day is payday.

9. You can drink all the liquor and beer you want in Heaven. You’ll get drunk but won’t ever have a hangover or get sick.

8. Your momma will be in heaven. But, she’ll never again be pissed at you about some dumb thing you did.

7. Your old dog will be in Heaven. And he can talk.

6. There will be just as many cowgirls as cowboys in Heaven.

5. There’s red hot chili, fresh baked apple pie and pickled eggs available to eat 24/7.

4. The preacher really did mean “until death do you part”. And there are a lot of good looking women in Heaven.

3. The Gospel writers go off-roading in tricked up pickups every weekend. You can come along if you bring the beer.

2. There are doubleheaders every Sunday, a baseball game followed by a NASCAR race.

1. God always has a chew in His mouth and a can of Coke in His hand.

I have been wanting to do a fashion review of one of the big entertainment shows for some time. The main problem is that photos are always copyrighted so using them is out. So, what I will attempt is to link to the photo, and snark away.

Facing the prospect of recalling all of its Slim·Fast® liquid diet products, the Unilever Company has responded with the roll out of a new product, repackaging the recalled materials as Slim·Faster®. By turning a weakness into a strength, Unilever builds its brand even stronger and opens an entirely new market for its product.

Bacterial contamination of the canned diet liquid can cause a rapid onset of nausea and diarrhea, in as little as thirty minutes from ingestion.

Slim·Faster® is the diet product for people on the go. Not only does the product provide a nutritious and filling meal for the weight conscious consumer, the rapid onset of diarrhea ensures that little dieting time will be lost by the consumer.

Director of Research Diarree Erbrechen Ph.D. points out that many modern consumers complain that dieting takes too long. Using the new Slim·Faster® may cut days off the time required to see significant weight loss. The inadvertent addition of Bacillus cereus to the canned liquid diet product by a third shift foreman named Al represents a discovery similar to the discovery of penicillin or vulcanizing rubber.

Dr. Erbrechen also noted that an FDA application has been filed to approve Slim·Faster® in the treatment of bulimia.

Lawyers, Guns and Money, Inc. – Call us when the shit hits the fan

Hump, Squat and P. – Dog Walkers

Holy Shit – a Christian church with a surprise

OJ and Fudge – Septic Tank Cleaning

Bloody Despair, LLC – Cat Trainers

Golden Showers and Sons – Plumbers

Fold, Spindle and Mutilate, Inc. – Bill Collectors

The course will consist of two legs. The first will be from daddy’s bedroom door to the photo cabinet in mommy’s room. The second leg of the race will be the reverse of the first.

Cats participating in races will reverse starting field order for the second leg of the race.

While overtaking is encouraged, passing is not allowed. Cats may join the race in progress but must enter at the rear of the field.

Running into mommy or daddy is not allowed. Running into other cats is also disapproved. Spectator cats are warned to stay well clear of the race course. Furniture may be used as part of the course but only if all cats racing are thin enough to make the jumps required.

Pit stops for personal hygiene and grooming are allowed. Other cats participating in the race will remain in position, idling their engines, until the butt licking has concluded. Race participants are allowed one (1) sniff of the stopped cat to ensure overall hygiene.

In the event of a crash, race participants will scatter until rescue crews determine the situation. The race may be canceled at this point or rescheduled.

Cat races are under the aegis of NACR, the National Association of Cat Racing. Rules are subject to change without notice. All decisions by mommy and daddy are final. Appeals by purring and rubbing will be considered.

The press has inundated Alaska with reporters and will have shortly interviewed every single person belonging to the 20% that do not rate Sarah Palin highly. Many of the reporters have flocked to the state capital of Juneau. Yes, Alaska has a state capital and it is Juneau.

Shocking, well, shocked reports are hitting the press about the inner workings of the Alaskan state government. No one should be shocked, however, since it is obvious that the Alaskan government operates pretty much like every other state government in the nation. Spend some time learning about your state government if you do not believe me.

The problem with state governments is called “Washington Syndrome“. It is highly contagious, infecting 90% or more of those exposed. It can also be genetically inherited.

The symptoms of “Washington Syndrome” are as follows:

• At the time the city was designated the capital, it made geographic or commercial sense. The location has not made sense, however, for a long time.
• The major industry of the capital city is government. The people of the metro area either work for the government or for businesses that support governmental operations like bars, law firms or caterers.
• The government of the city where the capital is located is treated as the red-headed stepchild. It is assumed that the sole purpose of the city government is to support the functions of the capital.
• Many of those who work in the capital maintain personal residences in other places. They have developed mechanisms that compensate them for traveling to and from their legal residences.
• Many of those who work in the capital maintain residences in and around the capital city’s metro area. They have developed mechanisms that compensate them for living away from their legal residences. Many of these same people spend more time in the capital than they do at their legal residences.
• Activities and beliefs that are normal, popular, seen as virtuous and desirable outside the capital are seen as abnormal, repulsive and criminal in the capital.
• Activities and beliefs that are abnormal, criminal, repulsive and unpopular outside the capital are seen as normal, virtuous and desirable in the capital.
• Those who work in the capital are willing to gossip, spread rumor and innuendo, and lie regardless of who they support. The capital functions on the ability to betray or avoid betrayal.
• The capital’s city is often charming in its own right but tourism is focused on the capital itself.
• The capital is the center of the universe and anything that happens outside the capital is viewed solely as to its effects on the capital.

There are many more symptoms than can be listed here. Diagnosis is easy since self-importance and delusions of grandeur are often so pronounced that the ordinary voter can distinguish them. The condition weakens in some cases after exposure to the capital ceases but other cases remain quite active for decades after.

For those of you having trouble understanding the Presidential campaign, here’s a little help. The use of “code words” to conceal your true meaning has complicated things. Here are those “code words” and their real meanings.

• community organizer = black
• Jesus = Barry Obama
• pig = women opposing Barry Obama, Sarah Palin
• sweetie = any woman Barry Obama wltf
• children = Barry Obama’s children
• retard = Sarah Palin’s child
• family = Barry Obama’s successful American wife and children
• black = Barry Obama’s Muslim / white upbringing in Indonesia, Hawaii and Kansas, Yale education, rich white friends
• lies = refusal to use “code words”
• hope and change = Chicago machine rule and Biden’s spending a generation in the Senate

Let’s face it. Campaigning for President has become a narrow road laced with minefields. We’ve made the process all about avoiding any word, deed or notion that could possibly offend anyone.

Why?

A hundred years or so ago, the campaigns abounded with silly songs, limricks and absolute lies. We still managed to elect capable Presidents.

Who really cares if you have a bastard son someplace? Hey, so what if you matriculated publicly. Are you gonna kill Osama bin Laden? That’s what we really want.

Some folks are lazy or criminals or slobs. You used to be able to label people, and the voters understood. Everyone has a lazy SOB in their family or their neighborhood. No one minds you telling him to get off his ass and get a job like everyone else.

You can’t be a plain speaker any more. Silent Cal? Please… Teddy Roosevelt? A former soldier and a hunter? And not afraid to send in the Marines? Even JFK couldn’t get elected these days. “Ask not what your country can do for you?” The papers would rip him to shreds.

Oh, for the good old days.

Ma, ma, where’s my pa? Gone to the White House, ha, ha, ha.

The Congress has spoken. That light bulb you climb on a chair to change every so often? Banned within a few years.

Instead, you’ll be forced to buy compact fluorescent lights, CFL’s, those squiggly blubs.

Here’s what GE says, and remember they WANT you to buy CFL’s.

Because the wattage of a CFL bulb is much lower than that of an incandescent, you can use higher wattage CFL giving you the equivalent light of a higher wattage incandescent. For example: If your fixture says not to exceed 60 watts, you can use a 15 watt CFL to get the same amount of light as an incandescent bulb or use up to a 42 watt CFL and increase the amount of light.

CFLs are safe to use in your home. CFLs contain a very small amount of mercury sealed within the glass tubing – an average of 5 milligrams (roughly equivalent to the tip of a ball-point pen). No mercury is released when the bulbs are in use and they pose no danger to you or your family when used properly.

Follow these guidelines to dispose your CFL properly:

* Like paint, batteries, thermostats, and other hazardous household items, CFLs should be disposed of properly. Do not throw CFLs away in your household garbage if better disposal options exist. To find out what to do first check www.earth911.org (where you can find disposal options by using your zip code) or call 1-877-EARTH911 for local disposal options. Another option is to check directly with your local waste management agency for recycling options and disposal guidelines in your community. Additional information is available at www.lamprecycle.org. Finally, IKEA stores take back used CFLs, and other retailers are currently exploring take back programs.
* If your local waste management agency offers no other disposal options except your household garbage, place the CFL in a plastic bag and seal it before putting it in the trash. If your waste agency incinerates its garbage, you should search a wider geographic area for proper disposal options. Never send a CFL or other mercury containing product to an incinerator.
* ENERGY STAR qualified CFLs have a two-year warranty. If the bulb fails within the warranty period, return it to your retailer.

Because there is such a small amount of mercury in CFLs, your greatest risk if a bulb breaks is getting cut from glass shards. Research indicates that there is no immediate health risk to you or your family should a bulb break and it’s cleaned up properly. You can minimize any risks by following these proper clean-up and disposal guidelines:

* Sweep up—don’t vacuum—all of the glass fragments and fine particles.
* Place broken pieces in a sealed plastic bag and wipe the area with a damp paper towel to pick up any stray shards of glass or fine particles. Put the used towel in the plastic bag as well.
* If weather permits, open windows to allow the room to ventilate.

Mercury is an element (Hg on the periodic table) found naturally in the environment. Mercury emissions in the air can come from both natural and man-made sources. Utility power plants (mainly coal-fired) are the primary man-made source, as mercury that naturally exists in coal is released into the air when coal is burned to make electricity. Coal-fired power generation accounts for roughly 40% of the mercury emissions in the U.S. EPA is implementing policies to reduce airborne mercury emissions. Under regulations issued in 2005, coal-fired power plants will need to reduce their emissions by 70 percent by 2018.

CFLs present an opportunity to prevent mercury emissions from entering the environment because they help to reduce emissions from coal-fired power plants. A coal-fired power plant will emit 13.6 milligrams of mercury to produce electricity required to use an incandescent light bulb, compared to 3.3 milligrams for a CFL.

Even in areas without significant coal-fired power generation as part of the electricity mix (e.g., Alaska and the Pacific Northwest), there are other, equally positive environmental impacts from saving energy through the use of CFLs: reduction of nitrogen oxides (which cause smog), and prevention of substantial quantities of CO2, a greenhouse gas (which is linked to global warming), as well as other air pollutants.

Airborne mercury poses a very low risk of exposure. However, when mercury emissions deposit into lakes and oceans, they can transform into methyl mercury that builds up in fish. Fish consumption is the most common pathway for human exposure to mercury. Pregnant women and young children are most vulnerable to the effects of this type of mercury exposure. The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) estimates that most people are not exposed to harmful levels of mercury through fish consumption. However, the FDA and state agencies do issue public health advisories.

EPA offers additional information and resources on all sources of mercury at www.epa.gov/mercury.

Mercury???? Panic time. Run about, scream and shout!

I’m in favor of radioactive mercury in CFL’s. Come on, Congress, poison us some more! [/sarcasm]

To Congress: Who’s running this circus?
To George Bush: WTF?
To Paris Hilton: How about lifting that restraining order?
To the Republican Party: WTF?
To Harry Reid: I’ll bet you thought I was going to ask WTF? Nope. Huh?
To Rosie O’Donnell: Are you going to eat that pizza?
To General Pace: Will you please run for President?
To Nancy Pelosi: How come you look like Michael Jackson?
To the National Review Online: How many blogs do you need?
To the Wayans brothers: Why?
To OJ: Why?
To Joe Lieberman: When are you changing your party affiliation to Republican?
To Hillary Clinton: Is that Chuck Schumer sticking out of your bum?
To Barak Obama: Is that Hillary Clinton sticking out of your bum?
To American automakers: Have you given up on making a good looking American car?
To Ted Kennedy: Are you going to eat that pizza?

Having gone through the listings from the three major networks for the “new” season beginning this Fall, I was left without much to choose from. So, here’s some ideas of my own. Feel free to steal them. I’ll only sue if the series is a vast success.

Agent of the Vatican

In a world of devilish Masonic conspiracies and fanatical Muslim plots, only one man can save Western civilization. Leo Secundus, agent of the Vatican.

It’s Crowded in Here

Life, from the perspective of any of the many personalities of Sarah. Yes, a new look at an old personality disorder.

You Pick Your Friends, You Live With Your Family

A reality show pitting a contestant’s family against his friends. He must decide who has helped him the most during that week. If the public vote supports him, he wins.

Mean or Green

An environmental activist works on a different project every week. The kicker is that the next week, he finds out how his last project created all sorts of problems. That doesn’t stop him as he continues with a new project.

Oops

A klutzy college cheerleader, her second string boyfriend, and a host of other almost wannabies try to make it to the A list at a small California college.

Write something bad about Republican Candidate for President Ron Paul.

Whoever the f**k he is.

• It’s much more difficult to tear a person’s head off of his shoulders than you might think.
• It doesn’t matter how you look; you’re still dead.
• There is a good use for hemp.
• There’s no shame if your last words are “I think I pissed myself.”
• Hood? I don’t need no stinking hood! I’m the President of Ir…

The Iraqi High Court has announced the issuance of a limited edition Saddam Hussein keepsake ornament. Within the next thirty days, the Court will make available this carefully crafted hanging Saddam collector’s piece. Only a few will be made, and each one will be accompanied by a Certificate of Authenticity.

The piece will be available in your choice of mustard gas yellow or uranium yellowcake orange.

Preorder now! Quantities will be limited. Be the first on your block to own a hanging Saddam. Think of how your neighbors will be green with envy as he swings in the breeze next to your wind chimes.

You must be 18 or older to order. Please have your credit card ready. No United Nations oil vouchers will be accepted.

To order, call now 1-900-DEADGUY. That’s 1-900-332-3489.

Offer void in Syria and Iran.