America’s newest television hit is Welcome Back, Kotter. Though portrayed as a comedy, this show about an inner city school and the struggles of its pupils is, in reality, a dark drama.

The show follows the academic struggles of four young men, each both a symbol of America’s decay and a sign that our future is with our best, our children. The four are confined, against their will, in a sterile classroom. Known as “sweathogs” by the students and faculty alike, they are a symbol of the oppression of minorities and the differently challenged.

Vinnie Barbarino is the leader of the group. Clearly suffering from untreated ADHD, he still manages to both guide and nurture his friends. Played by unknown John Travolta, Barbarino is intent on overcoming the barriers placed by the school and become, who knows, a pilot or perhaps a leader in a progressive religious cult.

Freddie ‘Boom Boom’ Washington is black. Unable to collect any of the debts owed by American society to his slave ancestors, he seems mired in a hopeless depression which he tries to hide with comedy. As the school fails to acknowledge the rich African heritage of his people, he seeks to participate in his community through basketball. Little does Washington know that the sport will never be a home for black people as white athletes and coaches will prevent even that small success for blacks.

Juan Epstein is a striking symbol of the Zionist domination of everyday life. Born of a Latina mother forced to bear the child of her Jewish male oppressor, he is torn by self doubt. Fiercely independent, his soul yearns to see his fellow Hispanics empowered in places as diverse as Mexico or Puerto Rico. Still, he carries the secret shame of his half Jewish heritage and worries that he will never be loved by man or woman.

The most diabolical character on the show is one Arnold Horshack. As he reveals in one episode, his last name means “the cattle are dying”. Clearly he is a tool of the military industrial complex, which is killing off our planet, thus “the cattle are dying” comment. While ostensibly the least intelligent of the four, he always seems to know the answers. This suggests he is being supplied with information by the authorities.

Gabe Kotter is the teacher assigned to this class. The fear the administration holds of these children is apparent as no other teacher is assigned a class of just four. Kotter attempts to indoctrinate the “sweathogs”, instructing them repeatedly to keep their place and not to respond. Kotter was once in this special class and the show explores how he was co-opted by the establishment. Silencing the “sweathogs” is his primary duty and one has to wonder what their fate might be if he fails. Death often arrives early and unexpectedly for progressives.

Kotter’s wife, Julie, is the show’s sole homage to the liberation of women. Her bra-less perky breasts and erect nipples are a constant provocation to the male establishment and a sign of her reckless independence despite being subjected to the tyranny of conventional marriage. When you look into Julie Kotter’s eyes, you see a burning bed and future revenge for the rape of male power.

Part of the torture inflicted on these four young men is sexual. Various women are placed in the class as time passes, to disrupt their intellectual development and inflame their animal instincts. Rosalie “Hotsie” Totsie was the first agent provocateur in the class, falsely accusing one of the men of fathering her child. Rather than do the correct thing and terminate the pregnancy, she disappears only to later surface with the baby.

The principal of the school is Mr. Woodman. A man filled with rage at the dying of the light, he takes his anger out on the “sweathogs” and on Kotter equally. A man of limited mental capacity, and likely a Republican, Woodman bullies everyone he deals with and takes joy in the sorrows of others. His use of the pejorative “sweathogs”, despite the wounds to the tender sensibilities of the four young men, reveals a certain inner conflict over his sexuality. These virile young men create a psychologically significant loathing in Woodman that only an open expression of his desires can solve.

Welcome Back, Kotter is destined to be a classic of American television, ranking with All in the Family as drama of the highest quality. The show gets three thumbs up from this reviewer.

Country people, rednecks, are big on going to church. They have a great deal of faith about Heaven and their future in Heaven. They also know some things that learned religious leaders in the great metropolitan areas of this country do not.

10. In Heaven, every day is payday.

9. You can drink all the liquor and beer you want in Heaven. You’ll get drunk but won’t ever have a hangover or get sick.

8. Your momma will be in heaven. But, she’ll never again be pissed at you about some dumb thing you did.

7. Your old dog will be in Heaven. And he can talk.

6. There will be just as many cowgirls as cowboys in Heaven.

5. There’s red hot chili, fresh baked apple pie and pickled eggs available to eat 24/7.

4. The preacher really did mean “until death do you part”. And there are a lot of good looking women in Heaven.

3. The Gospel writers go off-roading in tricked up pickups every weekend. You can come along if you bring the beer.

2. There are doubleheaders every Sunday, a baseball game followed by a NASCAR race.

1. God always has a chew in His mouth and a can of Coke in His hand.

I have been wanting to do a fashion review of one of the big entertainment shows for some time. The main problem is that photos are always copyrighted so using them is out. So, what I will attempt is to link to the photo, and snark away.

Facing the prospect of recalling all of its Slim·Fast® liquid diet products, the Unilever Company has responded with the roll out of a new product, repackaging the recalled materials as Slim·Faster®. By turning a weakness into a strength, Unilever builds its brand even stronger and opens an entirely new market for its product.

Bacterial contamination of the canned diet liquid can cause a rapid onset of nausea and diarrhea, in as little as thirty minutes from ingestion.

Slim·Faster® is the diet product for people on the go. Not only does the product provide a nutritious and filling meal for the weight conscious consumer, the rapid onset of diarrhea ensures that little dieting time will be lost by the consumer.

Director of Research Diarree Erbrechen Ph.D. points out that many modern consumers complain that dieting takes too long. Using the new Slim·Faster® may cut days off the time required to see significant weight loss. The inadvertent addition of Bacillus cereus to the canned liquid diet product by a third shift foreman named Al represents a discovery similar to the discovery of penicillin or vulcanizing rubber.

Dr. Erbrechen also noted that an FDA application has been filed to approve Slim·Faster® in the treatment of bulimia.

Lawyers, Guns and Money, Inc. – Call us when the shit hits the fan

Hump, Squat and P. – Dog Walkers

Holy Shit – a Christian church with a surprise

OJ and Fudge – Septic Tank Cleaning

Bloody Despair, LLC – Cat Trainers

Golden Showers and Sons – Plumbers

Fold, Spindle and Mutilate, Inc. – Bill Collectors