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Paris Hilton: Men Used Me

November 3rd, 2008 | 1 Comment

My brother sends a link to this story: Tearful multi-millionaire Paris fluttered her eyes and told the News of the World: “Every other guy I’ve been out with has used me for money or sex – but in most cases they just want fame. It made it hard to trust people.” Fox … Read entire article »

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Paris Hilton Running for President

August 5th, 2008 | 6 Comments

I’ll see you at the debate, bitches! See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die … Read entire article »

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Jailing Paris Hilton

May 5th, 2007 | 1 Comment

Sometimes life is good. Paris is going to jail. No Blackberry’s. No cell phones. No BJ’s on film… well, depends on her guards, I suppose. AP through SFGate reports her future situation: The hotel heiress was sentenced Friday to 45 days at the Century Regional Detention Center, Los Angeles County’s jailhouse for women just south of downtown in Lynwood. Inmates get three low-sodium meals a day, with dinner the only hot meal. Beef and pork aren’t permitted — “it’s all poultry-based,” said Capt. Alice Scott, who oversees the 2,200-inmate facility she describes as “a very nice place.” Like other high-profile Los Angeles County inmates — O.J. Simpson, Robert Blake, Robert Mitchum, Sirhan Sirhan and Charles Manson — Hilton will be segregated from the general population for her own safety, living in a one- or two-person … Read entire article »

Filed under: Crime and Punishment, Mocking, Paris Hilton

News Stories Underplayed

December 28th, 2005 | Comments Off

Everyone does “end of year” lists. Top Stories of 2005 and such. Well, I happen to think there are some news stories that were overlooked or not delved into enough by the media. Here’s my TOP TEN NEWS STORIES THAT WERE UNDERPLAYED Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton’s friendship ends Come on! these two kissed Arkansas farm boys together.[snort] What could have possibly gone wrong in their relationship? [sniff] Wimpy Ape I feel bad for the monkey. I really do. OJ Aquitted, I mean Robert Blake Aquitted Yeah, like you didn’t think he was guilty, too. This One and That One Broke Up Just pick a couple, any couple. Jessica, Britney, Elton, and the first married lesbians. Jessica Alba as a blonde Well worth reams of news print. Paris Hilton Works in a Sandwich Shop Sell the sizzle. Hardee’s did, and we could have … Read entire article »

Filed under: Mocking, Original writing, Paris Hilton, Satire

Advertising: How to Sell a Sandwich

May 24th, 2005 | Comments Off

OK, I take back everything bad I ever said about Paris Hilton. The corporation behind the Carl Jrs. and Hardees restaurants has her in a video at Spicy Paris. She’s washing a car in a tiny black bathing suit. With lots of suds. Lots of suds. Oh, yeah, she takes a bite of a sandwich, too. Did I mention there were lots of suds? … Read entire article »

Filed under: Mocking, Paris Hilton, Sex

Paris Hilton: Advice for Living

February 23rd, 2005 | Comments Off

This isn’t advice from her. But it may apply to her. Daily News It’s a bad idea to use a cell phone cam to take nudie pictures. Use a real digital camera. The results are much better. … Read entire article »

Filed under: Mocking, Paris Hilton

Blogging: Paid or Unpaid

January 13th, 2005 | Comments Off

The following people have not paid me to blog: Paris Hilton Helen “The Harriden” Thomas Robert “Klucker” Byrd D-KKK Canada France Howard Dean John Dean Jimmy Dean In fact, I tried to sign up for BlogAds and they ignored me. Nobody wants to buy me. … Read entire article »

Filed under: Blogging, Canada, France, Mocking, Paris Hilton

Space: Breaking Things

January 12th, 2005 | Comments Off

Normally I’d think this was cool. But, wasn’t there this movie where they blew up a comet and really bad things happened? Well, take solace in that one of the meteorites did hit Paris [the city, not Hilton. She was on her knees so it missed her by a mile.]. National Geographic NASA engineers are set to launch their Deep Impact space mission tomorrow. The space shot aims to smash an 820-pound (370-kilogram) projectile into a comet on July 4, 2005. “We expect to provide some great fireworks,” engineer Rick Grammier said at a recent news conference. Grammier is the Deep Impact project manager at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, California. If all goes as planned, a flyby spacecraft will shoot a projectile about the size of a trash can into the surface … Read entire article »

Filed under: Hard Science, Mocking, Paris Hilton, Science

Paris Hilton On the Market

December 22nd, 2004 | Comments Off

Paris Hilton is now appearing in commercials for T-Mobile’s nifty looking cell phone, the Sidekick. Oddly, without her sidekick, Nicole Richie. [snort] In the latest that I have seen, she is in a scene with Burt Reynolds. Who is undoubtedly delighted to be near the only hot, young woman he could have nasty sex with without taking out his credit card. Wow, snarky about Paris and Burt in the same post! Could life get any better? Coming soon, photographic evidence of my pilgrimage to Fox News Headquarters. Not shown, however, will be my humiliating display of standing outside the building and screaming “RITA!” “RITA COSBY!” “I LOVE YOU, RITA!” The security guards were very nice. … Read entire article »

Filed under: Mocking, Paris Hilton

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